Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize