when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
