Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Sorry my hands just texted you
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
