My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
