Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
