I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
