who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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