dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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