It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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