I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
