You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
