In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.â€
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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