my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
