The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
