You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
