It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
