First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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