I'm going to jail i love you
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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