Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
drinking out of a sandbucket again
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
