I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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