im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
