She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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