The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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