I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
