when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
