What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
