in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
