Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
