yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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