He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
