If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
