Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
