just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
