when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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