In America we eat man semen.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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