it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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