We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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