I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
