I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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