I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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