I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
