My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
