The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
