I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
