Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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