I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
