I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
