I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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