U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
