two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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