I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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