I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
