What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
