hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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