I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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