My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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