just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
