her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
