remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
