My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
